I had an interesting experience today and I wanted to share.
Of course like anything that is somewhat deep and gut turning, I had to stop and think if I really wanted to put this out there. I then reminded myself how if I am feeling this way others may be too so I thought, “alright here goes.”
As regular readers of my blog know I am working on a poetry book. I have been taking my time with until I realized that I had an offer through CreateSpace for some free copies of my book (thanks to being a NaNoWriMo winner) but the offer expires June 30th.
Enter in my deadline.
I am actually grateful for the deadline because without it I may have dragged my feet a bit more. Now suddenly I am back with focus, working daily on the project and creating some poetry pieces I am very proud of.
So, in my excitement I shared what I was working on and the minute people started asking questions (as people are know to do) I started to feel myself shrink.
Why was I so excited? I am self-publishing after all. It could be crap on crackers and if I pay the printing costs it gets printed.
Suddenly, my excitement of seeing my name in print, of the poetry readings I was planning, the virtual and real book tours all started to shrink away and I was left going,
“what the hell happened?”
Part of me was saying, “well you got what you deserved for sharing something before it was ready.” Another part of me was lashing out as the scared parts often do. Calling people “doodoo heads” and the like.
And thankfully, there was another part.
I will call her the sensible part.
(She is also quite patient since the rest of us don’t often let her speak)
She basically told me that my feelings had everything to do with me; nothing to do with the people who asked questions and public opinion does not determine if you are proud of something.
You determine that.
(She is quite smart-we should really let her talk more)
It took a while for the other parts of my brain to settle down.
She had to clear her throat every now and again to remind them of what she said.
Ultimately however I can sit here, writing my first blog post in some time, and tell you that I am truly proud of what I am doing.
Of all that I am doing.
I am proud of the life I have built that, while not traditional and perhaps viewed as “quaint” or lacking in reality is one that I love, aspired to my whole life and worked damn hard to achieve. Most of all it is sustainable and makes me and mine so very happy.
I am proud that I am going to share my poetry with the world. That I am going to set up readings knowing that no one may show (or worse that people WILL show and I will have to read my poetry-and they will HEAR me!). I am proud that I am going to do these things even though they scare me.
I am doing them because it’s all I have ever wanted to do.
It’s all I know how to do.
I am not a fan of doing things that scare you JUST because they scare you.
I am however a fan in doing things that you think about all the time, that call and sing to you in your dreams and when your mind wanders-even IF these things scare you.
So I open my little blog, my spot here on the Internet to you.
I offer you a safe place to share your dreams.
The things you are working on.
The things that you are scared as hell to work on.
Knowing that there is support and love here.
I would love to hear what you are doing.
What you are proud of.
And what scares the ever, living hell out you.
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