This week has been a tough one. Probably one of the toughest in a very, very long time.
I suppose I should be grateful for that.
Usually I am able to look on the bright side of things, deal with whatever “stuff” comes up emotionally and push on.
This week has been different.
I feel I am walking around in someone else’s skin.
The feeling that are whirling around me are vaguely familiar as if they are memories of my past that I have decided to pay me another visit.
I barely remember the girl that experienced them the first time.
And now, I just want it to be over.
It all started with my mother’s knee surgery taking a turn when she had a bad reaction to the medication. I made the decision to stay with her over night which caused all sorts of emotional crapola by being away from my kids, and my baby for the first time.
From there it turned into a car accident that has left me without my car, the one I waited and wanted for so long. I am extremely grateful that no one was hurt, my little boy sleeping through the whole ordeal and my little girl brave as can be. Hubby and I are the only ones showing any signs of the accident and thankfully they are just bruises.
Bruises heal. Cars can be fixed. Things don’t matter.
I know all this.
Yet I can’t help but feel sorry for myself.
Sorry for all of us because we really don’t need any more expenses.
Questioning if this all some sign from the Universe that I don’t get to have everything I am working for.
I try not to wallow.
I H A T E wallowing.
I take notice of the little, quiet spark inside.
The voice whispering to me that this too has a purpose. A greater meaning. A way to help me down this new path.
I was poised to start work on my healing artwork this week. Excited to start planning a weekly routine for my creative work. Then, this.
I heard that voice again yesterday telling me that I needed to paint.
Not to share my healing artwork but to heal from it.
To heal myself.
The whole having to have walked the walk thing.
I also felt the need to write this post. You see I don’t normally share this opening about personal situations. Kinda an old habit of privacy and all that.
Worried what others might think about it or if they would be upset that I shared too much, however I realized I have spent far too much time worrying about whether or not my actions are acceptable to others. This is my journey. My life. No one is going to live it for me, lessen my burden or solve my concerns.
It is my journey to walk and share and stumble with and make a mess of and put back together.
So I take ownership of that.
And I share it here, with you in case, like me, you are dealing with some crap.
Maybe you feel alone and as if no one really gets what you are going through.
No one cares.
Maybe you tried to share with a friend only to be yes’d to death while she texted someone else.
Just know you aren’t alone. There is a collective of people just like you experiencing life just as you are and feeling the same way.
And know that when you heal yourself, when you work through the muck and learn from it and grow from it that you add to that collective of people a ray of positivity. A light for them all to look at and hope for.
When you heal yourself you heal the collective as well.
This morning I show up for my “stuff” good and bad.
I work through it.
Paint through it.
Write through it.
Until next time…
-Michele Aka The Dreaming Dilettante