I have been thinking a lot the past few days about sharing. Not the “here you can have some of my french fries” kind of sharing but the kind of sharing that you would do on a blog that deep, heartfelt sharing that opens you up to people and allows them to see not just the end result but the journey.
I am really terrible at that.
I was raised to be private to keep things to yourself and while I do respect privacy and think it’s more than alright to keep certain things to yourself or within your family I can feel the need to share. I think it comes in part from my desire for community. I am really and truly wanting to be a part of, if I am being honest to create, a community of like-minded souls who honor and respect one another. I want to have friendships that occur in messy houses while wearing PJ’s and I want to feel really good about that.
It’s a journey.
A week and a half ago I realized I wanted to start being much better at supporting myself. I wanted to start acting on what I knew I needed and to ask for help in ways I needed help. I wanted to care for myself and to add healthy routines to my day that have been aching to come to the surface for a few years now. I wanted to reconnect with this amazing body of mine that has carried me through the twists and turns of my almost 40 years. The body that has carried and birthed and nourished 2 babies so far and the body that I have done nothing but talk shit to for probably the last 30 years.
It’s not about weight loss, it’s about gain. It’s about wanting to feel connected, strong and healthy. It’s knowing that I am, on a daily basis making decisions that feel good and right for me. It’s knowing that first and foremost-I support and love me unconditionally, as is in this very moment.
So I decided to start. To quietly start so as not to involve others. My normal plan so if things go awry no one knows of my lack of will power. I did however have a chat with a wonderful friend, someone who is totally amazing at sharing herself with others and we discovered we were both starting at the same time that she too was making better decisions for herself. And just like that, I had support.
The past week now I have given thought to sharing the journey here and what I am doing and it feels a bit scary. I am worried what others might think of me of the journey of the way I am doing it. Correction, there is a part of me that is conditioned to worry about these things but the truth is, the higher, connected part of me doesn’t really give a shit what anyone has to say about my life or choices. The conditioned part however is a very loud little girl who likes to shake me and tell me to keep quiet.
It feels important to share though. I know so often people only see the end results or they only hear about the clear, straight path that lead from point A to point B and I don’t know about you but my life has NEVER had a clear, straight path from point A to anywhere! There are twists, detours, mountains and moats and sometimes I don’t know where the hell I even am.
While that sounds really scary the truth is that is usually where the fun and juiciness comes to us. That is where we feel alive and the sense of adventure takes over and we are able to be creative in life. Even if it does scare the hell out of us.
So I wanted to share with you all this part of my journey. I have embarked on a 30 day fitness challenge (just completed Day 9) and I have been utilizing tracking to make myself more mindful of what I am eating. I have subscribed to some meal delivery services so I can learn to make new and exciting Vegetarian meals. I have been taking some awesome supplements from my favorite essential oil company and I just ordered some extra green supplements to help me improve my energy and nutrition.
I do plan to share more with you all here on the blog about the reality of this journey. Not just the pretty successes but also the reality of what I am experiencing. It’s a vulnerability I haven’t really shared before and it feels great and then utterly terrifying a moment later.
I also took the leap to get my home in better order. I know I need to set up a better system so that I am supported during the times when I can do less, when I need to slow down and curl up on the couch with the kids and watch Moana. So I reached out to a professional organizer. I have never worked with anyone like this and it’s a bit unsettling. We chatted on the phone and she’s absolutely lovely and told me to just leave things as they are-no house prepping-so she can get a feel for where I am at. Wow. Really? To be honest I have never shared this part of myself with people. I always hide the messy parts and this is challenging me big time.
I am telling myself that cleaning and tidying is totally fine as long as it’s what I would do normally and that it’s about me supporting me so it’s not like I can cheat this or break some rule. The truth is it has me feeling over all the place and while I am excited for the support and the help and ideas I am terrified of the judgment. I tell myself it’s the judgement of others but the voice in my head is clearly my own chastising me for letting things get the way they are. That I should have everything perfect and put together at all times.
I could write pages on the real meaning of that but for now we will just say that it’s challenging me. It’s challenging me to accept myself without judgment. To love myself right here and where I am and to know that there is no external appearance that makes me more worthy of love or recognition than just being the true self that I am.
So here’s to sharing the journey with you.